The Struggle Continues.

Still struggling with who exactly I am. There are just so many categories that I can’t properly describe it. Transgender, sissy, crossdresser, bisexual, woman, and so many more. I just want to be me and not worry about it. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to keep this under wraps and not just kick down the closet door and go. There are only two things keeping me for doing it. I have basically been whining about it for years. Money and guilt. Money I think is the biggest issue. With enough money, I could move out and pay both my bills and the bills of the other house until we can officially seperate and divorce. The guilt is me not wanting to leave behind a mushroom cloud of anger, sadness and turmoil. I don’t know how to get past that side of things. I know it would be a fight and I truly don’t want to fight. Fighting just makes me more depressed and causes me to hide even more. Why can’t two spouses actually look at a situation and see the calm and easy way is going to be faster and less stressful. Just get it over with and move on. Maybe I’m naive or just too optimistic. I just want to move on and be me. 

I know it is a short one, but want to keep puuting stuff out rather than taking long breaks.

Comments

  1. I completely understand both the guilt and the money barriers. I've been there, and still am to some extent. The only way I know to address both is to get to the point where you can just say f*ck it and go about being yourself. Have you thought about taking on an extra part time job as Nicole? It would surely eliminate some of the guilt, as well as to help toward getting out of debt. Locking yourself up only serves to lock yourself up, if you know what I mean. You're still younger than I was when I first made my move toward living an authentic life, and I learned quickly that I could have (should have) done it at least ten years earlier. I not only wasted a lot of time, but so much energy, as well. Redirecting the energy that I had put into trying to live two lives was what I had to do to save myself - so that the life I needed to have could even exist.

    With both the social and economic climates being so much better these days, I would imagine there are plenty of opportunities for part time work, even as a trans woman. If you do it, I'm sure you will not only make a few extra dollars, but you will learn so much, and feel so much better, about yourself for the accomplishment.

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