This may get a little graphic so be warned. Being on Twitter has got me thinking about experiences. When we finally admit to ourselves that we a transgender, it opens a Pandora's box, at least for me. It starts me questioning everything from my personal, social, and sexual experiences. I start asking myself so many questions about what I have missed, what am I supposed to do, and will I ever get those experiences. For example, I have not been out as myself in probably 15 years. The last time was for a Halloween night get together and I went as Elvira. I am constantly wondering, if I transition, what will my experiences out be like, would I be feminine enough, who would I go out with. As of right now, I really have no real world friendships, much less anyone to confide in. Yes, I have online friendships that do provide support and an ear to listen, but I feel we all need a real world anchor. I think if I had a real world connection that was close, and someone whom I could confide my real self to, I might be a little less depressed.

For personal experiences, I am always questioning myself about why I am so obsessed with the clothing side of things. I know it is an outward manifestation of myself, but then I wonder if it is just the clothing or am I truly transgender. I know some deep counseling or soul searching will be needed to sort that out but it does make me question my experiences.

For sexual experiences, I am bisexual, however, I have a very limited set of sexual experiences. With Twitter accounts I am following and the internet showing as much as it does, it makes me wonder about sexual experiences I feel I have missed out on. I see things I would like to to, and yet, being married and in the troubled marriage I am in, I don't have the chance to try any of those experiences I think about. I am not going to cheat on my spouse, as bad as the situation is. However, I have wondered about bottoming, performing fellatio, and many other things. I see people talk about it and feel glad that they are getting their experiences and am genuinely happy for them, but as I get older, I seem to resign myself to knowing there will be lots of things I will never experience.

This just points me more in the direction of me doing a ton of soul searching and finding out what is right for me. It is a scary tunnel we each must go into but if what I have heard from others, there is light at the other end of that tunnel, and from what I have seen and heard from others, joy resides there are well.


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