Where to start. I
have also felt different. We won't go
too much into the past, just know that I remember a long time ago I always felt
odd. I didn't want to be the magician, but the magician's assistant. I know that in my early 20's I started to
consider living my life as a woman. This
was of course before the internet we know of came to be. It was the good old BBS and AOL dial up
days. I felt so isolated and alone. I
had come out to a VERY few close friends of mine but not completely. I still
kept most of it to myself. I was living
alone, working a full time job and picking up whatever overtime I could. I would present as a male to the world, but
when I got home, Nicole was free. Well, as free as she could be in an efficiency
apartment. I did dare to venture out a
couple of times. It was the most nerve
racking experience of my life. I was never that scared or nervous in the Marine
Corps, but step outside in a dress and I am surprised I didn't have a he…
I am still a little torn about whether to stick around or not, but have pretty much determined that if things stay bad, I will need to move or risk my sanity. So I need to wait and work and get money saved so I can get where I need to be. I just don't foresee me taking any less than one year to get stuff together. I need to get some discipline going to put the money away however. I may have some methods to earn some faster, but I need to make sure I keep some for me. I think if I follow this path, I will be much more at peace with myself.
Ever have the feeling that if you follow your heart, you will cause devastation in your path? I know where I want to go, but I feel that I will have to destroy others to get there. This is one of the issues I have as a married trans woman who's spouse is not on the same page. I know that if I ever am going to transition, I need to leave. I have started saving but not at any rate that is going to make it happen anytime soon. It is mostly an emergency fund for Nicole.
Thus I come to the fork in the road. One way leads to Nicole, the other is the path I have always taken. I need to answer which path I am willing to take. I also need to need to make a decision about the live I may destroy. I don't know for certain I will destroy them but I think I will. Not out of malice, but out of my need to be me. All this requires some deep soul searching on my part. I think I need to make a decision soon or I may go mad.