Where to start. I
have also felt different. We won't go
too much into the past, just know that I remember a long time ago I always felt
odd. I didn't want to be the magician, but the magician's assistant. I know that in my early 20's I started to
consider living my life as a woman. This
was of course before the internet we know of came to be. It was the good old BBS and AOL dial up
days. I felt so isolated and alone. I
had come out to a VERY few close friends of mine but not completely. I still
kept most of it to myself. I was living
alone, working a full time job and picking up whatever overtime I could. I would present as a male to the world, but
when I got home, Nicole was free. Well, as free as she could be in an efficiency
apartment. I did dare to venture out a
couple of times. It was the most nerve
racking experience of my life. I was never that scared or nervous in the Marine
Corps, but step outside in a dress and I am surprised I didn't have a he…
Ever have the feeling that if you follow your heart, you will cause devastation in your path? I know where I want to go, but I feel that I will have to destroy others to get there. This is one of the issues I have as a married trans woman who's spouse is not on the same page. I know that if I ever am going to transition, I need to leave. I have started saving but not at any rate that is going to make it happen anytime soon. It is mostly an emergency fund for Nicole.
Thus I come to the fork in the road. One way leads to Nicole, the other is the path I have always taken. I need to answer which path I am willing to take. I also need to need to make a decision about the live I may destroy. I don't know for certain I will destroy them but I think I will. Not out of malice, but out of my need to be me. All this requires some deep soul searching on my part. I think I need to make a decision soon or I may go mad.
To all you "younger" transgender girls who are deciding if they should transition, may I make a suggestions? If you are thinking of taking the leap and transitioning,
do it. Set up an appointment with a
therapist and start the process. I say
this as an older girl who has not taken the leap. Once you are older and have ties, roots, and
commitments, it makes that leap much more complicated. As you can see in some of my old posts, you
can see how I struggle with the current commitments and responsibilities I have. I can say that if I knew then what I know
now, my path would be entirely different.
I plead with you as someone who is struggling. Seeing others make the leap and follow their
true path is a source of peace knowing that others are finding the happiness
you may never have.