Posts

Quick Update

Well, I have been out of a job now for about a month. Still looking and had an interview but it is starting to drain me not working. I may have to start getting out of my comfort zone and hand out some business cards to get sideline work and see where that takes me. The other consequence of being unemployed is I have no means to look at moving out or beginning a transition. It is still on the table but will definitely need to be put off until I can start making real cash. Until then, I will just need to create my own plans and road map for myself and where I want to go.

I have pretty much determined that if I do get to the point of moving out, depending on my job, I will be moving a little north to the Twin Cities MN area. I have looked at other places and I think I would miss the cold winters, yeah that sounds crazy. I think the other option would be Denver but that would require a lot more that I have now. I guess living for 20+ years in Minnesota has made it hard to leave and I thi…

Path Forward

After the latest blowup at the house, I have started looking into apartments. It appears that moving out is the only way to make life a little less chaotic. I just need to come up with the initial moving funds. I really do not want to ask family for funds. I need to find some way to do this on my own. I am old enough I shouldn't need to. I think this will happen within the next 3-4 months. If I do pull this trigger, I am seriously considering the option of presenting as male at work and living as female the rest of the time. I think I would start out fairly androgynous to start to make it a little easier for me to ease into life. It might also make it a little easier on the budget to not have to buy an entire new wardrobe right away.
If I do end up moving out, which is looking to be likely, I am looking forward to trying to meet others to begin some sort of support system to help me on my path with some guidance and counsel.  I know others have been through this and would love to …

To Move or Not to Move

I have been thinking lately that if I were to move out of the house and proceed with a divorce, where would I want to live. I have always thought that if I were to begin transitioning, it might be best if I were to move somewhere new. Lately I have been thinking southern California. I used to live there in Orange County when I was in the military. I don't know if it is just fond memories that draw me there or what. I do know that I would definitely miss the four seasons here in the mid west. I can definitely deal with -20F rather than 90F with humidity. Another location I have thought of is Denver. I love Colorado but am somewhat unfamiliar with it where as California, at least I have some familiar memories. Another option is to just move to Minneapolis/St Paul as I know it very well and it is large enough for me to get lost in and be me.

I just don't know if just uprooting myself is what I should do. It would take a lot and still does not get to my underlying issue but then a…

Year End

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We have come to the end of the year and I am starting to think about next year. I don't know what to think of the upcoming year. I am worried it is just going to be more of the same, in which case, my only resolution is to survive. I do think I am going to try and write more again. I have been so stuck on Twitter lately that this has felt neglected. I do find it a good place to plant my thoughts and gives me a change to think things over if only for a few minutes.

I think I know what 2018 needs and yet I still am in that rut of not wanting to take that first step. I spend so much of my energy worrying about making sure others are comfortable and find ways to ease their life, mine has always taken a back seat. I know I need to put myself in the drivers seat but it seems hard to do it when you are barreling down the highway at 100mph. I just need to stop for a minute, sit in silence and work up the gumption to make step one.


Kate Winslet, The Holiday may have to be watched and you c…

Winter

Winter is coming. No, I am not a Game of Thrones fan. Here in Minnesota, We have been saying that long before the books or the show. I have been busy getting the house ready for the season and now things have slowed down again.  Major blow ups in the last couple of weeks that had me looking into apartments. I am keeping track of them over the holidays. I think that in January, I will be keeping a closer eye on them as I think that I may be moving out in Feb. I think that we may be able to make it through the normal holiday season but I am afraid of what will happen in Jan. That is why I have Feb as a time table.

I have started a list of things I will need to do to make it so I can survive right away. I think if I move out in Feb, I will take a two or three months to get things some what stable and then, just like the spring season brings new growth, I will begin the process of growing Nicole. King of symbolic that I should begin the process of revealing the real me at the same time th…

Experiences

This may get a little graphic so be warned. Being on Twitter has got me thinking about experiences. When we finally admit to ourselves that we a transgender, it opens a Pandora's box, at least for me. It starts me questioning everything from my personal, social, and sexual experiences. I start asking myself so many questions about what I have missed, what am I supposed to do, and will I ever get those experiences. For example, I have not been out as myself in probably 15 years. The last time was for a Halloween night get together and I went as Elvira. I am constantly wondering, if I transition, what will my experiences out be like, would I be feminine enough, who would I go out with. As of right now, I really have no real world friendships, much less anyone to confide in. Yes, I have online friendships that do provide support and an ear to listen, but I feel we all need a real world anchor. I think if I had a real world connection that was close, and someone whom I could confide m…

Community

I have been spending a lot of time of Twitter lately and it has been rather nice. It has allowed me to find a trans community that is there for support and to bounce ideas off of. I am still writing in the blog, but the Twitter community provides some instant feedback. I find it amazing how many of us all go through the same issues. Am I really trans? Should I come out? How will it affect my marriage? How will I survive if I get kicked out? These are some of the same questions we all go through and it is comforting to know that others have gone through that same fire and come out on the other side happy and free. Some day I hope to be that example for someone in my current position. We all have to make a journey and some go faster than others. I am still working on starting mine but hope to move forward soon.