Defining myself

I am so distracted and thinking about where I want to go with who I am. I know that if I were to go full time, life would be extremely difficult and locating a job that would pay me anywhere what I need would be almost impossible. How do others make it happen? I am still looking at it but without some sort of assistance, I don’t see it happening. Sure, I may be happier, but will I even be able to live? Still trying to determine what/show I am, am I a sissy, a crossdresser, a transwoman? It seems like each group has issues with another group. Why can’t we all just be supportive and allow others to just be who they are? I think I have defined who I am, just not sure how to label it as it is a mix of an assortment of groups. It is me though. I should be happy about that but it just causes more confusion. I wish I had this all figured out about 30 years ago. Maybe I could be living the life I want. I think I have finally defined myself as a sissy, but not in that sense of just clothing. I…

The Struggle Continues.

Still struggling with who exactly I am. There are just so many categories that I can’t properly describe it. Transgender, sissy, crossdresser, bisexual, woman, and so many more. I just want to be me and not worry about it. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to keep this under wraps and not just kick down the closet door and go. There are only two things keeping me for doing it. I have basically been whining about it for years. Money and guilt. Money I think is the biggest issue. With enough money, I could move out and pay both my bills and the bills of the other house until we can officially seperate and divorce. The guilt is me not wanting to leave behind a mushroom cloud of anger, sadness and turmoil. I don’t know how to get past that side of things. I know it would be a fight and I truly don’t want to fight. Fighting just makes me more depressed and causes me to hide even more. Why can’t two spouses actually look at a situation and see the calm and easy way is going to b…

About me Redux

Finally going to do a post about me and my situation and thoughts so expect this one to be rather scatterbrained. I have always known I was/wanted to be a woman. As far back as I remember, I always identified with females I saw on TV or in life. I wanted to be the magician’s assistant, not the magician. I wanted to be a housewife or girlfriend. I just know it is who I really am and feel that would bring me not happiness, but peace in being who I really am and want to be.

Lately, well, for years, there has also been the other secret side of me. The hidden slut I want to be. I dream of being with a man and being taken as a woman. To help “control” these urges, I have looked into chastity cages and other things but the only one I keep is the cage. It makes me focus on others. I don’t know why but it does. It also confuses me with the need to be a slut or a sissy. There are so many categories and I feel that one just does not fit me. I think I, as well as everyone else in the world, fit i…


Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Been very busy and no time alone. I am a major introvert and need my time alone and yet, I don't seem to get any. My current job is with a school district. I work year round and yet, when the kids are gone, I am still not alone because the other workers all appear to be extraverts who feel the need to be right next to you and talking. I understand, but I just want to be left alone. I feel like with me not being able to be me, the no time alone, and other things, I am on the verge of a breakdown. Some mornings it is all I can do to not break down and cry, hit things, and just generally lose it. I am able to hold it in but unless I can get an outlet, I may burst. Maybe if I can start running, without being questioned as to why that will help. Until then I will just hold out. The idea of 2019 being the year of Nicole is not panning out. I will say that changes in me have to be made or I am afraid of what may come.

First Step Worries

OK, another longish post but not as long as it could be. Been holding back some anger lately and have been successful at it. People are just getting annoying and pushing my sanity. I still this the underlying reason for this is the fact that I am not living as my real, authentic self. I have been in hiding so long that I think Nicole is finally trying to break out and be free. It seems the only issues that are keeping her locked away revolve around money and stability. I need money to move out but also need to pay my obligations to my “old” life. I am not going to be one who runs and just leaves a pile of debt that my name is on to leave someone else to cover. I know I need to pay for it. It seems that the affordable housing that people keep talking about has a gap. I get if you are in a lower income bracket and they pay a subsidy to help, but there seems to be no middle ground. I don’t qualify for housing help, and yet, I don’t make enough to cover an apartment and pay half of a mort…

Thoughts in my Head

Warning, this is going to almost be a random train of thought post so it may not make any sense what so ever but need to get it out.

Depression and all sorts of thoughts have been creeping into my brain lately. Depression over not being able to let Nicole out of the closet, depression over keeping my sexuality in the closet, overall, just depression over being in the closet. I have been looking to move out and have even been looking online at apartments, but keep coming up with the cost. Affordable housing is difficult to find. I admit that if I did not have to pay for my half of a mortgage once I move out, or the equity loan, it would make it much easier, but I don't see that happening. I can't save as I have direct deposit and can't pull anything out without arousing suspicion. I need to get out and at least have a haven for Nicole to be herself. I need to get her out and into the real world and not just in my brain where it overtakes my thoughts. It amazes me the trigge…

The Future

I am still around and realize I have been neglecting this a lot lately. I do have more to say but just know that it is coming soon.