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Thoughts in my Head

Warning, this is going to almost be a random train of thought post so it may not make any sense what so ever but need to get it out.

Depression and all sorts of thoughts have been creeping into my brain lately. Depression over not being able to let Nicole out of the closet, depression over keeping my sexuality in the closet, overall, just depression over being in the closet. I have been looking to move out and have even been looking online at apartments, but keep coming up with the cost. Affordable housing is difficult to find. I admit that if I did not have to pay for my half of a mortgage once I move out, or the equity loan, it would make it much easier, but I don't see that happening. I can't save as I have direct deposit and can't pull anything out without arousing suspicion. I need to get out and at least have a haven for Nicole to be herself. I need to get her out and into the real world and not just in my brain where it overtakes my thoughts. It amazes me the trigge…
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The Future

I am still around and realize I have been neglecting this a lot lately. I do have more to say but just know that it is coming soon.
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Still Alive

Been a really rough and busy few months. I do have a new job working for a school district. Nice to be in a liberal environment again and not have to keep on my toes nearly as much. Still working on transition plans and letting Nicole out but have to be careful to stay in the shadows until I can secure a place of my own. Lots of fights but also a lot of time where things are not spoken of. I enjoy those times where nothing is spoken of as I can somewhat relax.

Will post a bigger update soon.
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Merging the Multiple Me's

I've been thinking about my personal gender journey lately and have found me struggling with trying to merge the multiple parts of me into one person. Being a USMC veteran and a transgender woman has me struggling to see myself as a strong, tough woman who is feminine at the same time. I live with wanting to wear a dress and heels while at the same time, wanting to be in shape and able to kick a$$ like I felt while I was in the Marine Corps. I have started to see more and more female "action" heros in movies and TV and this helps a ton. It helps me see that it is possible. I just wish I felt confident enough to openly try and merge them. There are many women out there that show me it is possible, whether it is or one of some many other women like Jennifer Garner in Peppermint, Alice Braga in Queen of the South, or  Scarlett Jonahsson as the Black Widow, I feel that I can merge my identities into one. Had I done it so much sooner in my l…
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The Less Glamorous

This one may be a little of a ramble. I touched on it a tiny bit in one of my Twitter posts, but I feel I need to write some more. I know I have been stuck on the clothing side of being transgender, but my inclination is far more than cloths. I prefer pretty much all female products. They feel like they are more me and I feel they work better on me. Some of them, such as shampoo and conditioner are a whole new experiment for me. Being that I am of mixed races, adopted, and raised in small Midwest towns, I never really learned about any of it. Not that I am giving my adopted parent any fault, they raised me and loved me and I am grateful for that. It is just I don't know how to properly take care of my skin and hair. The internet and the various communities help a lot, however being trapped where I am, I cannot try all the things I want to, even going as far as keeping my Dove deodorant, razors, and any "female" skin care products hidden for fear of causing another blow u…
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New Beginnings

Well I have not been around for a while. Had a long visit from the grandson and have not been able to spend anytime with my own brain lately. While I enjoy the time, as an introvert, I need some time to myself to recharge and have not had that in close to a month. My batteries have been drained and I need to recharge.

On a good note, I have finally found a new job. I am back to working for a public school district. Did it for 10 years so I know what I am jumping into. Glad to finally be back to work. I was starting to get worried as my unemployment was going to run out soon and it was causing tension with the wife. Still is as I don't get paid for a while, but at least I have a good paying job.

One advantage to the new job, it is in a town a little ways away. If I do move forward with looking at starting out on my own again and determining if I want to transition, I can move there. Apartment prices are not that bad and it is a little closer to the Twin Cities. If I don't trans…
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Jobs

Still looking for a new job. Several interviews, however, none of them have panned out. I don't know what it is. I think it is one of three things, either I don't come off well in the interview which I can totally believe as I am so shy it is difficult for me to do that. Second, it could be I am old for IT work. Being 48 and doing IT work for 20 years, I am asking for a lot of money for my salary. I may have to adjust that. The third thing, my wife thinks this is the one, is that my previous employer is essentially blacklisting to potential employers. I don't tend to believe it but the longer I am out of a job, the more it creeps in to my thoughts.  I think I need to check out a couple of interview sites for ideas before my next two interviews in a couple of days. I could even hit the local state unemployment office for help, but they closed that one permanently. We will see how it goes. I am looking forward to one of them as it would be the next step in my IT career if I …
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