Well, I am starting to brainstorm ideas of things I will need to do if/when I decide to be me. It is kind of peaceful and nice to see it in words.  It is one thing to dream of it, this makes it more concrete even though I am not doing anything. Naturally, the first thing on the list, is to locate a therapist. I did a little looking and may have found a starting place. The only thing is getting an appointment without getting the third degree from the spouse.  Not sure how to go about it. I know I can get an appointment with a family practice doc that may start the process seeing as I have not been to the doc in over 5 years, but it still may raise flags.  I know I am going to get grilled with "What are you doing this for now?", "Who are you doing this for?", and so many other questions. I just want to go with out the interrogation.  It is a vicious cycle that I need to break. At least I am making some steps. I plan on updating this as time goes and my progress if I …

Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail

I think I may start to make up a list and plans for what I may need to to to be the real me. I think I need to figure out all I need to make sure I do before things get bad. With all I see on Twitter, it inspires me and yet it scares me. I am inspired by all the people I see who have made the decision and started following their true path. I am seriously thinking of it yet, I know I need to make some plans. I can't just wake up one day and go. I am scared because I am afraid the bottom will fall out before I have a safety net under me.

I have seen people say that they are making it a one year goal. I don't see a one year goal. I see a pit and I need to make a net. I think in the next couple of weeks, if I don't procrastinate, I can come up with all the steps I need. Once I do that, then comes the decision. Do I stay or shall I go. Shall I be me or continue on in the costume I wear? I need to make that big choice and soon.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Been thinking about what I would do if I made the choice to let myself out of the closet.  Living in a smaller town poses several challenges.  For one, I work at a small company that is very religious, to the point of having a christian flag outside the business. I am not religious but I like working there. Not sure what would happen if I came out there. Minnesota at least has protection in the laws but who knows.  I thought about presenting as male at work, but then I have to consider the rest of the time.

Living in a smaller town, less than 30000, I am curious how the town would react.  I do know for a fact that there is a transgender F2M in town as I used to work with him. I think F2M is not looked at in the same way but that may just be my preconceived ideas.  I have not spoken with him since I left that job but might try and reach out.

That leads me to the question of should I stay or should I go. I wonder if I made the decision, should I go and move somewhere completely new? Whe…


I really need to start watching ow much I am eating.  I know I have a tendency to eat out of boredom and going back for more when I really shouldn't. I think it is one of the few things in my life I can control and yet I don't control it.  I feel that if I can eat "normal" portions and less processed food, even if I don't work out, it will make a difference in my weight.

I know I need to work out with this small change, but I don't want the little jabs of "Who are you doing this for" to come out so I lay low in the background and try to kick up as little dust as possible.  I really want to work out and get back into shape, but the emotional fighting makes me not want to.  I just hope that soon, I can put me first rather than some one else thinking that is all I do.  If that was the case, I would be my authentic self rather than putting myself through this self imposed torture.  I can't explain it to her but I know other transgender individuals …

A Silent Pray

To all you "younger" transgender girls who are deciding if they should transition, may I make a suggestions?  If you are thinking of taking the leap and transitioning, do it.  Set up an appointment with a therapist and start the process.  I say this as an older girl who has not taken the leap.  Once you are older and have ties, roots, and commitments, it makes that leap much more complicated.  As you can see in some of my old posts, you can see how I struggle with the current commitments and responsibilities I have.  I can say that if I knew then what I know now, my path would be entirely different.  I plead with you as someone who is struggling.  Seeing others make the leap and follow their true path is a source of peace knowing that others are finding the happiness you may never have.

It's Back

The subtle fighting, the little digs, the tension.  It is back.  It has been better for a little while when the wife had something else to focus on but now she can focus back on me.  It may mean I have to start looking at raising funds quicker preparing for a break.  I still have the doubts if I can do it. Still worry about how things would work for her. I know people say that you should take care of yourself first, but I don't know if I can leave others behind. I worry about the trail of devastation I would leave behind. She would say I am being vane is that I worry about what others would think. I say it is me worrying about her.  Maybe it is a little of both but I don't know.  I still don't sit and think deeply about it.  I just coast through the days. I don't really know if I can do deep thought with myself. Maybe there is just something not clicking in my brain. I know what thoughts go through my head and I can ignore and push them out most of the time. Some day I…

The Fork in the Road

Ever have the feeling that if you follow your heart, you will cause devastation in your path? I know where I want to go, but I feel that I will have to destroy others to get there.  This is one of the issues I have as a married trans woman who's spouse is not on the same page.  I know that if I ever am going to transition, I need to leave. I have started saving but not at any rate that is going to make it happen anytime soon.  It is mostly an emergency fund for Nicole.

Thus I come to the fork in the road.  One way leads to Nicole, the other is the path I have always taken.  I need to answer which path I am willing to take. I also need to need to make a decision about the live I may destroy.  I don't know for certain I will destroy them but I think I will.  Not out of malice, but out of my need to be me. All this requires some deep soul searching on my part.  I think I need to make a decision soon or I may go mad.