I really need to start watching ow much I am eating.  I know I have a tendency to eat out of boredom and going back for more when I really shouldn't. I think it is one of the few things in my life I can control and yet I don't control it.  I feel that if I can eat "normal" portions and less processed food, even if I don't work out, it will make a difference in my weight.

I know I need to work out with this small change, but I don't want the little jabs of "Who are you doing this for" to come out so I lay low in the background and try to kick up as little dust as possible.  I really want to work out and get back into shape, but the emotional fighting makes me not want to.  I just hope that soon, I can put me first rather than some one else thinking that is all I do.  If that was the case, I would be my authentic self rather than putting myself through this self imposed torture.  I can't explain it to her but I know other transgender individuals …

A Silent Pray

To all you "younger" transgender girls who are deciding if they should transition, may I make a suggestions?  If you are thinking of taking the leap and transitioning, do it.  Set up an appointment with a therapist and start the process.  I say this as an older girl who has not taken the leap.  Once you are older and have ties, roots, and commitments, it makes that leap much more complicated.  As you can see in some of my old posts, you can see how I struggle with the current commitments and responsibilities I have.  I can say that if I knew then what I know now, my path would be entirely different.  I plead with you as someone who is struggling.  Seeing others make the leap and follow their true path is a source of peace knowing that others are finding the happiness you may never have.

It's Back

The subtle fighting, the little digs, the tension.  It is back.  It has been better for a little while when the wife had something else to focus on but now she can focus back on me.  It may mean I have to start looking at raising funds quicker preparing for a break.  I still have the doubts if I can do it. Still worry about how things would work for her. I know people say that you should take care of yourself first, but I don't know if I can leave others behind. I worry about the trail of devastation I would leave behind. She would say I am being vane is that I worry about what others would think. I say it is me worrying about her.  Maybe it is a little of both but I don't know.  I still don't sit and think deeply about it.  I just coast through the days. I don't really know if I can do deep thought with myself. Maybe there is just something not clicking in my brain. I know what thoughts go through my head and I can ignore and push them out most of the time. Some day I…

The Fork in the Road

Ever have the feeling that if you follow your heart, you will cause devastation in your path? I know where I want to go, but I feel that I will have to destroy others to get there.  This is one of the issues I have as a married trans woman who's spouse is not on the same page.  I know that if I ever am going to transition, I need to leave. I have started saving but not at any rate that is going to make it happen anytime soon.  It is mostly an emergency fund for Nicole.

Thus I come to the fork in the road.  One way leads to Nicole, the other is the path I have always taken.  I need to answer which path I am willing to take. I also need to need to make a decision about the live I may destroy.  I don't know for certain I will destroy them but I think I will.  Not out of malice, but out of my need to be me. All this requires some deep soul searching on my part.  I think I need to make a decision soon or I may go mad.

First Step?

How does one get to the point to where they have the ability to move out/on? I have been considering what I would need to do to head out on my own. However, I cannot get it out of my head that I would be starting a domino effect if I do. If I were to move out, Nicole could be freer than she has been in a long time.  It is a double edged sword however.  I worry that my wife will not be able to see the grandkids and will I be the cause? I worry about what it would do to her.  I think about what if I were to just up and leave and have my paychecks sent to a new bank. It would be utterly messy and ugly and who knows what fight that may bring.  I feel stuck. Do I continue to keep Nicole shut away or do I cause more heart break and know I am the cause? I have even considered if it would be possible for me to basically have two full time jobs, one so that my wife has the ability to see her grandkids, and one for me. I just don't see how I could survive otherwise.  Maybe I am just puttin…

The Start of My Story

Where to start.  I have also felt different.  We won't go too much into the past, just know that I remember a long time ago I always felt odd. I didn't want to be the magician, but the magician's assistant.  I know that in my early 20's I started to consider living my life as a woman.  This was of course before the internet we know of came to be.  It was the good old BBS and AOL dial up days.  I felt so isolated and alone. I had come out to a VERY few close friends of mine but not completely. I still kept most of it to myself.  I was living alone, working a full time job and picking up whatever overtime I could.  I would present as a male to the world, but when I got home, Nicole was free. Well, as free as she could be in an efficiency apartment.  I did dare to venture out a couple of times.  It was the most nerve racking experience of my life. I was never that scared or nervous in the Marine Corps, but step outside in a dress and I am surprised I didn't have a he…

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Good ad about having two people with opposing views sitting down to talk.

‘Transgender is very odd’: watch the moment transgender woman meets transphobic