Posts

Winter

Winter is coming. No, I am not a Game of Thrones fan. Here in Minnesota, We have been saying that long before the books or the show. I have been busy getting the house ready for the season and now things have slowed down again.  Major blow ups in the last couple of weeks that had me looking into apartments. I am keeping track of them over the holidays. I think that in January, I will be keeping a closer eye on them as I think that I may be moving out in Feb. I think that we may be able to make it through the normal holiday season but I am afraid of what will happen in Jan. That is why I have Feb as a time table.

I have started a list of things I will need to do to make it so I can survive right away. I think if I move out in Feb, I will take a two or three months to get things some what stable and then, just like the spring season brings new growth, I will begin the process of growing Nicole. King of symbolic that I should begin the process of revealing the real me at the same time th…

Experiences

This may get a little graphic so be warned. Being on Twitter has got me thinking about experiences. When we finally admit to ourselves that we a transgender, it opens a Pandora's box, at least for me. It starts me questioning everything from my personal, social, and sexual experiences. I start asking myself so many questions about what I have missed, what am I supposed to do, and will I ever get those experiences. For example, I have not been out as myself in probably 15 years. The last time was for a Halloween night get together and I went as Elvira. I am constantly wondering, if I transition, what will my experiences out be like, would I be feminine enough, who would I go out with. As of right now, I really have no real world friendships, much less anyone to confide in. Yes, I have online friendships that do provide support and an ear to listen, but I feel we all need a real world anchor. I think if I had a real world connection that was close, and someone whom I could confide m…

Community

I have been spending a lot of time of Twitter lately and it has been rather nice. It has allowed me to find a trans community that is there for support and to bounce ideas off of. I am still writing in the blog, but the Twitter community provides some instant feedback. I find it amazing how many of us all go through the same issues. Am I really trans? Should I come out? How will it affect my marriage? How will I survive if I get kicked out? These are some of the same questions we all go through and it is comforting to know that others have gone through that same fire and come out on the other side happy and free. Some day I hope to be that example for someone in my current position. We all have to make a journey and some go faster than others. I am still working on starting mine but hope to move forward soon.

Decisions

I have some very serious decisions to make soon. There have been a few major fights at the house and I need to either begin the process of moving out or try and suppress me. I have had a few moments where I have almost blurted out what I want. I just don't have any sort of safety net for if/when I get kicked out. If I didn't have my current job and would not feel guilty about leaving after just one year it might make a difference as I could crash with a sibling. As it is, they all live out of state. There is always my mother's house. She could use the help as she is starting to consider assisted living but she isn't ready yet. I still don't want to leave the job though. I would need the money to survive and to pay for the bills I would need to share along with a divorce.

This is a serious fork in my road. To me, it seems that both paths lead to some pain. I just need to determine if I am willing to put myself in front rather than letting others dictate my path. Tha…

Steps

Well, I am starting to brainstorm ideas of things I will need to do if/when I decide to be me. It is kind of peaceful and nice to see it in words.  It is one thing to dream of it, this makes it more concrete even though I am not doing anything. Naturally, the first thing on the list, is to locate a therapist. I did a little looking and may have found a starting place. The only thing is getting an appointment without getting the third degree from the spouse.  Not sure how to go about it. I know I can get an appointment with a family practice doc that may start the process seeing as I have not been to the doc in over 5 years, but it still may raise flags.  I know I am going to get grilled with "What are you doing this for now?", "Who are you doing this for?", and so many other questions. I just want to go with out the interrogation.  It is a vicious cycle that I need to break. At least I am making some steps. I plan on updating this as time goes and my progress if I …

Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail

I think I may start to make up a list and plans for what I may need to to to be the real me. I think I need to figure out all I need to make sure I do before things get bad. With all I see on Twitter, it inspires me and yet it scares me. I am inspired by all the people I see who have made the decision and started following their true path. I am seriously thinking of it yet, I know I need to make some plans. I can't just wake up one day and go. I am scared because I am afraid the bottom will fall out before I have a safety net under me.

I have seen people say that they are making it a one year goal. I don't see a one year goal. I see a pit and I need to make a net. I think in the next couple of weeks, if I don't procrastinate, I can come up with all the steps I need. Once I do that, then comes the decision. Do I stay or shall I go. Shall I be me or continue on in the costume I wear? I need to make that big choice and soon.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Been thinking about what I would do if I made the choice to let myself out of the closet.  Living in a smaller town poses several challenges.  For one, I work at a small company that is very religious, to the point of having a christian flag outside the business. I am not religious but I like working there. Not sure what would happen if I came out there. Minnesota at least has protection in the laws but who knows.  I thought about presenting as male at work, but then I have to consider the rest of the time.

Living in a smaller town, less than 30000, I am curious how the town would react.  I do know for a fact that there is a transgender F2M in town as I used to work with him. I think F2M is not looked at in the same way but that may just be my preconceived ideas.  I have not spoken with him since I left that job but might try and reach out.

That leads me to the question of should I stay or should I go. I wonder if I made the decision, should I go and move somewhere completely new? Whe…